Watching the Tiger press conference at Augusta yesterday, I couldn’t help but yell answers to his questions before he got a chance to. So I figured I’d dive inside Tiger’s head and see what he was really thinking when the media asked him all those questions. Here are the real questions asked and the answers Tiger would have, or should have given.
Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of The Masters, I am pleased to introduce to you four-time Masters champion, Mr. Tiger Woods:
“Well it was really great to get back out there today. Being out in public and seeing all the fans was really nice; especially because Elin can’t do anything to me while I’m around so many people. It was good to see all the guys again, too. Most of them never liked me personally anyway, so it’s fun having awkward conversations with them while in their head they’re wondering whether or not I had sex with their wives (sorry David Toms she is way too hot for you anyway let’s be honest). It was also really good seeing mi hombre Sergio. It’s been almost eight months since the orgy in San Juan. That Spanish bastard really helped me work on my game. He really is the best wingman ever. The accent absolutely kills.
Anyway, after I answer these questions today, I want you all to leave the other players alone and not ask them questions about me. I want to apologize to them for beating all of their asses the last five years, while I also had the hottest wife on tour and was running through girls on the side Wilt Chamberlain style. I can’t imagine the jealousy and anger they must feel. I would appreciate it if you let them focus on this week’s tournament. Okay boys, fire away.”
Q: Tiger, You said in some recent TV interviews that everything was in the police report, but the police report didn’t contain what it was about the injuries that sent you to the hospital. Can you tell us what they were?
“Well when Elin hit me with the driver I sustained a mild concussion. When she got the three iron it cracked four of my teeth and knocked the front two out. The nine iron to the crotch after I crashed the Escalade and got out was the worst, which is why I was blacked out from the pain on the street.”
Q: In the five weeks since the accident, when you went into therapy, why didn’t you speak to the police, any of your corporate sponsors, any of the media that have covered you year round?
“Well, my lawyers told me if you guys asked me that to just keep muttering nonsense and then saying ‘letter of the law’ a bunch of times, but to be honest with you I didn’t talk to anyone because Elin took my cell phone. You think after some of the texts she saw she’d let me keep that thing? Some of those were bad; I don’t even know where I came up with that stuff. Anyway, me and the boys went out on my yacht and cruised around the Caymans for a while, so I wouldn’t have gotten any bars with AT&T out there even if I had a phone. The women there are beautiful and relatively cheap by the way.”
Q: What’s been the most difficult thing for you to deal with these last couple months?
“Clearly it’s not having sex with anyone. I mean, I was having a lot of sex. I was like Peter North for Christ sake. A close second would be the homicidal wife who is a mix between Lorena Bobbitt and Ashley Judd in Double Jeopardy at this point. Let’s just say I don’t get much sleep.”
Q: Tiger, you won a lot of golf tournaments over the last five years living a pretty secret life. How were you able to do that? And secondly, what kind of golfer will you be now without that secret?
“Yeah that was a good run, wasn’t it? I thought that’d never end. Good times. Anyway, I think it was mostly that people just assumed things weren’t happening. People would see me at a club doing yay off one of the Kardashians and they’d say “Man that black guy doing all the drugs looks just like Tiger Woods.” I never really hid it; people just assumed it wasn’t me. And to answer your second question, I’m probably going to suck because I’m on so many sexual repression drugs. I’m actually on a drug called Antiviagra. That’s a real thing. I haven’t had a boner in months.”
Q: Tiger, you’ve been known as a great proponent of drug testing on the PGA tour. As you probably know, Dr. Anthony Galia was arrested with performance enhancing drugs in his possession. As you also know, Dr. Galia said he has been to your home four times. Why did you feel it was necessary to have this particular doctor come to your home and what specifically did he do for you?
“Ga-leeee-aaa! That’s my dawg right there. That dude has some of the craziest shit…I can’t even remember half the stuff he gave me. He did fix my knee up pretty good. With Tony G there is really a don’t ask-don’t tell kind of thing going on, so even if I did take some PEDs I’d have no idea. Let’s be honest though guys this is golf. Besides Camillo, the whole tour is just fat guys or skinny guys. Steroids won’t help you in golf. (By the way, Camillo is gay. Like really gay. Like Nathan Lane wearing a Zac Efron tee-shirt as a guest on Ellen gay.) Plus, you think I would take something that shrinks your balls? Did you not read US Weekly? All I was doing was having gratuitous amounts of crazy sex. I was like R. Kelly at a middle school. Steroids would have been the opposite of performance enhancing if you know what I mean.”
Q: What were you anticipating today to be like? How nervous were you today and now sitting here?
“I figured mostly everyone would be pussies. There were probably a few brave fans who came here planning on yelling something funny, but once they got a glimpse of the big cat over here they were too scared to say anything. That’s mostly what happened. I mean, some of these people cheered for me today! I lied to everyone and committed egregious adultery for five years while almost ruining the sport of golf and they were still cheering for me. Colin Montgomerie must feel like shit right now.”
Q: Tiger, you and the rest of us discovered a lot of media we didn’t know existed before the accident. What’s your response to mainstream media?
“My response is that you guys did a terrible job. Who were the first people on the scene of the crash? TMZ? Does anyone know what that even stands for? You guys couldn’t find me for like two months but the people who follow Lindsey Lohan to Starbucks every morning got me. Nice work CNN.”
Q: It’s been reported that you took prescription drugs Ambien and Vicatin. Can you speak to when you started taking those, if you need them for tournament golf if you did, and what you needed them for and if you’ve ever been treated for them.
“Yeah I used to take both when I was recovering from my injury and when I needed to sleep. But like I said before, I live with Tanya Harding now so I don’t exactly want to take a pill that will make me unconscious for long periods of time.”
Q: Tiger, how is your knee?
“Haha, my knee? It’s fine, who cares? Way to waste a question douchebag. I hope your editor doesn’t fire you.”
Q: Tiger you had said you were in some form of a rehab. Can you talk about that and what the rehab was for?
“Yeah Elin made me go to this sex rehab thing. She said if I ever wanted to get back with her I’d have to do it. It was a nice place. They had pictures of all the athletes that had been through there before like Travis Henry, Shawn Kemp, and Calvin Murphy. It’s like the Cooperstown of fathering illegitimate children.”
Q: What was it for?
“I just said; it was so I could have a chance of getting back with my wife. If that happens, then I get the sympathy back and then the female fans. Then I change my number, get the sponsors back, and eventually I’m back to making all that cash. Kobe explained this whole thing to me you should talk to him.”
Q: Tiger, you said in your statement that you felt entitled throughout the years. How were able to rationalize that while you were still winning golf tournaments?
“Because I was still WINNING GOLF TOURNAMENTS. I was living like Hunter S. Thompson and still wiping the floor with everyone on Sundays. What would any other man have done? I bet if Jim Furyk didn’t look like the crippled dude from X-Men he would be running around with pornstars every night too.”
Q: Could you of played better if you had more discipline in your personal life?
“I honestly don’t know. Maybe my lifestyle fueled my ability to perform on the course. Maybe the invincibility gave me this uber-confidence that no athlete besides Jordan has ever reached before. Maybe I could have eliminated the guilt and become a more centered, focused performer. But maybe that would have leaked a weakness into my game that effected my ability to win. I really don’t think it’s possible to know.”
Q: Tiger when you made that statement in February, you said you might not be back this whole year. Did you genuinely believe that at the time? And coming back, is that entirely your decision, do you do that with the blessing of your family and your wife?
“Yeah definitely not, I was playing The Masters the morning after the crash when I was trying to figure out the shit-storm that was about to hit. Elin is cool with me playing. It gets me away from her and the more money I win the more she will get if she divorces me. It’s a win-win for her.”
Q: Will Elin and the kids be joining you this week at the Masters? And it not, is that a sign that she’s not ready to support you yet and you should you be making this return so soon?
“Haha yeah, Elin’s not coming. Let’s be real here.”
Q: Tiger, we’ve come to know you as a guy who controls things around you pretty tightly. With all the reports that have come out, whether it be text messages or whatever, it leads me to wonder why you would leave so many loose ends, and is there almost some element of you that maybe wanted to get caught?
“Pretty sure I didn’t want to get caught. I had sex with whoever I wanted, whenever I wanted to, and then went out and got paid a lot of money to beat a bunch of fat white guys playing golf on the weekends. If that’s not the American Dream, I’m not sure what is. I had sex with Oprah. O-P-R-A-H. You bitches didn’t find that one out, but it happened. Dr. Phil worked the camera and shouted out suggestions. Have any of you ever had sex with the richest black woman on earth?
Alright listen guys this is getting a little boring here. None of you are going to ask me anything good except Plaschke with the ‘What was the rehab for?’ one. That was ballsy. I always thought you were a pussy on Around the Horn too. I’m meeting Sergio at The 19th Hole and who knows what that’s going to turn into. You guys all have a good week, I’ll see you on Sunday when I throw that green jacket on again. Fo shizzle.”