Tag Archives: Hank Haney

The New Hotness: Episode 1

In the debut of TWM’s newest wrinkle, we will break down who is on top of the sports world at the current moment or who will be in the very near future.  Once a week, you’ll get the top eight figures in sports and you will like it.  A lot.  Will it be insightful? Possibly.  Accurate?  Perhaps.  Egregious?  Absolutely.   Buckle Up.  Here is who is making like the Jonas Brothers this week:

1. Rajon Rondo/Lil Bow Wow

Can you tell which one is which? How has no one else figured this out yet?

First of all, let’s all agree they are the same person and just move on.  I’m glad that’s finally settled.  Let’s be honest here, the 29-18-13 from Rajon/Bow Wow against the Cavs in game 4 was the equivalent of his cinematic triple-double in “The Fast and the Furious 3: Tokyo Drift.”

Rajon/Bow Wow is playing at a different speed than everyone else on the floor right now.  It’s the reason he got an astounding 18 rebounds as a 6’1′ point guard last game.  This has prompted King James to call out Mo Williams and then say he will cover Rondo the rest of the way.  It should be interesting to see how the young rapper/actor/point guard handles the shear athleticism and size of The Akron Hammer (as Michelle Beadle would say).

Bottom line, this is the coming out party for Rondo.  He is one of the more unique players in the NBA, and until or if other teams can figure him out, he is going to be a super-star.  If he ever develops a consistent outside shot, watch out.

I do think the Cavs still win the series and Rondo/Bow Wow doesn’t keep up this domination, but for  this week it doesn’t get much better than getting dap from LeBron.

2. Peggy Lindsey

You might be wondering who Peggy Lindsey is right now and what sport she plays.  She could be a forward for the WNBA’s Seattle Sandwich Makers or a point guard for the Vancouver Vaccuumers.  (Thank you! Thank you!  Officially the first of many WNBA jokes on the blog.)  Actually, Mrs. Lindsey is the grandma of Oakland Athletics pitcher Dallas Braden.  As you all probably know, Braden threw the 19th perfect game in Major League history on Sunday.

Sunday was also Mother’s Day, and Braden, who was raised by Lindsey after his mother died at a young age, gave her the best present she could’ve asked for – a big eff you to A-Rod.  After the perfect game from her grandson, she was quoted as saying “Stick-it, A-Rod.”  Her remark was in reference to the scuffle between her grandson and Rodriguez a few weeks back in which A-Rod, in a classic arrogant A-Rod move, walked across the mound after grounding out.  Braden proceeded to lay into A-Rod in post game interviews.

Considering everyone really hates A-Rod, and the fact that Braden seemed a few fries short of a happy meal after his outburst, we couldn’t have gotten a more undeniably solid reason to finally side with Braden in this battle: a sweet old grandma on Mother’s Day ripping into the GQ cover boy.  Thank you Peggy Lindsey, for you have humiliated Alex Rodriguez, which makes everyone else feel a little bit better inside.

PS – Alex, between you and me, I hear Cameron Diaz is happening now.  A little old, but she probably still has some mileage left.  Solid pick up.  Keep up the good work.

3. The Halaken

Yes I said “The Halaken.”  Half goalie-half monster Jarslov Halak has came out of nowhere in these playoffs and put himself as the front-runner for the Conn Smythe.  He single-handedly has brought down the mighty Capitals and Comrade Ovechkin.

The Halaken

Jaroslav has already sunk The SS Ovechkin and is now trying to drag the Penguins down to the depths.

According to Wikipedia, The Kraken is a mythical sea monster of gargantuan size, said to have dwelt off the coasts of Norway and Iceland.  It has made appearances in “Pirates of the Carribean,” “Clash of the Titans,” and most recently The Bell Centre.

Halak is basically a mythical sea monster of gargantuan size, who lives on ice and is from Slovakia which is pretty much the same thing as Norway to us.  Instead of giant ships and whales, The Halaken eats hockey pucks and whiny centers who live in old guys’ basements (I’m looking at you Sid).

Release The Halaken!

4. Jairus Byrd

Yes the one-year veteran Buffalo Bills’ safety sits third on the list in the middle of May.  Why?  Because Byrd, who had 45 tackles and a rookie-ridiculous nine picks last year, was second in the NFL Defensive Rookie of the Year voting last year.  With Brian Cushing’s positive steroid test coming out – conveniently nine months after the fact – the AP has decided to re-vote on last year’s award.  Which, by the way, is exactly what they should be doing considering he played the ENTIRE SEASON after testing positive for steroids.  He denies it, which is difficult with Exhibit HGH below:

These are actual pictures...of the same person.

Something funny now that wasn’t funny when it happened: In an NFL.com article about Cushing winning the award back in February, fellow Texan linebacker DeMeco Ryans offers up this ironically foreshadowing comment :  “Brian is a special player.  I saw when he first stepped on the field that he could be a special player for us. Just to watch him grow week in and week out, I’m just so proud of him.”  I don’t think anyone realized how literal DeMeco was being in his analysis of The Incredible Cush.

With the re-vote, the smart money is on Byrd.  Packers linebacker Clay Matthews would be the other obvious choice, but something tells me voters might stay away from white linebackers from USC.  Just a hunch.

5. Hank Haney

Hank beat Elin to the punch (no pun intended) on jumping off the derailing train that is Tiger Woods.  The long-time swing coach called it quits yesterday among rumors of tension between the two parties.  “I have informed Tiger Woods this evening that I will no longer be his coach,” Haney said in a statement posted on his website. “I would like to thank Tiger for the opportunity that I have had to work with him over the past [six-plus] years.?

With Tiger missing a cut and now sidelined with a “neck injury,” the near future looks rather bleak.  Haney, in my opinion, is doing nothing but abandoning ship here, and it is a brilliant move.  Hank is the one to call it off right before what looks like another low point for Tiger.  For this foresight, Hank deserves the number five spot on our rankings this week.

6. Erin Andrews

One of the many acceptable outfits Erin has donned this season.

I’m not sure if any of you are fans of Dancing with the Stars, but if you haven’t caught any of this season, you are missing out on a gauntlet of hotness.  Brooke Burke hosts the show, and this season’s cast includes Pam Anderson, the only chick that matters from The Pussycat Dolls, Shannon Doherty, and of course EA.  Add in all of the female dancers who are partnered with all the male “celebrities” on the show, and besides reruns of “Las Vegas”, you won’t find a hotter collection of females.

Erin has stolen the show and worn some phenomenal outfits.  The only drawback is her dance partner Maksim Chemerkovskiy, who is basically a gay, dancing version of any bond villain.  Apparently this foreign douche is taking down everyone’s favorite sideline reporter off the set of the show,too.  This of course makes everyone except Kirk Herbstreit’s wife pretty upset.

7.  Stephen John Nash

Nash took a Tim Duncan elbow to the right eyebrow in the third quarter, got stitched up in the locker room, and then came back and closed out the Spurs with one eye for a Suns sweep in the Western semis.

The 36-year old Nash, widely considered on the decline of his career, is willing the Suns to perhaps there most impressive run in the Nash era.  Despite his extreme lack of defense, the rest of the team seems to be committed to playing enough of it to  finally make a run at the Lakers.  Luckily, Nash shouldn’t be defensively exposed by either Derek Fisher (as old as Nash) or Jordan Farmar (not good at basketball).

Nash is putting together something special this year, and I can sense an epic Western Conference Final with the Lakers.  In honor of Nash’s heritage, I give you one of our favorite Molson Canadian commercials, eh?

8. Anyone else not named Alex Ovechkin, Vinny Del Negro, or Steve Consalvi

All three of these guys are sitting on their asses right now – or laying face down in the Citizens Bank Park outfield.

Ovechkin blew another shot at the cup – in the first round nonetheless – continuing his championship-less career.  He has plenty of time to watch Sidney Crosby’s stranglehold on the “best player in hockey” argument.

Vinny D was literally pushed by Bulls VP John Paxson and then fired after only two seasons as Bulls’ head coach.  Not a good week for the Italian Stallion.  At least Stan Van supported him.

Steve Consalvi, the genius 17-year old who ran around like an idiot during the Phillies game last week until some fat rent-a-cop tasered him from a good fifteen feet, is probably feeling more like an idiot than Alex or VDN.  A seemingly great idea turned into a viral video of him falling in a crumpled heap JFK style.  Back, and to the left.

Look at the extension from the ballpark security guy. Solid form.

That wraps up the top eight for this week.  Keep enjoying the best couple months in sports.  NHL and NBA playoffs in full swing, plus spring baseball, golf major season, and the Champions League Final coming up.  Oh yeah, and I think a bunch of countries are having a soccer tournament in like a month, too.  Could be cool.  Peace up, a-town down.