Category Archives: Baseball

Here’s to You, Barry

Barry, you truly are an American hero.

In attempt to break the world record for “Most Ironic Statement Ever Made,” Barry Lamar Bonds said in an interview yesterday that he was “proud” of Mark McGwire for what he did – admitting to the use of steroids.

Well you know what Barry…I’m proud of you.

In the current sports world, especially your sport of baseball, we are constantly surrounded by shame and remorse.  Between steroids in baseball, gambling referees, Tiger Woods, and the fact that the WNBA still exists, we as sports fans are forced to be disgusted as much as we are amazed.

Through the darkness shines one bright light – you, Barry Bonds.  Despite the mountains of evidence, the hoards of naysayers, and the fact that we have pictures of you in 1988 and 2006 that we can put next to each other, you have remained steadfast and strong.

Like a true American, you have not only continued to lie to everyone, but you have consistently come up with ways to provoke your adversaries.  You’re “proud” of Mark McGwire?  Not in my wildest dreams did I think you would say something so egregious.

I find myself wondering if your head inflated from the HGH or from the massive growth of your ego over the last ten years.

Over-sized ego, an unrealistic sense of self, and the refusal to give up despite having no hope or way out – all traits of the American hero.  If you had wrangler jeans on we might even confuse you for Brett Lorenzo Favre.

So what was McGwire’s response? “It’s very cool. Barry is a great player, was a great player in this game, many MVPs.” Taking into account that he sounded like a caveman or a drunk indian chief, I was impressed that McGwire could even speak on the issue without ripping his clothes off and eating everyone’s head in the Cardinals’ locker room.

Barry has once again outsmarted us all.  He just made the second biggest steroid user in MLB history praise the number one user and completely disregard any chance that he ever used steroids.

Like any true American hero, the future for Barry should play out like this:

First, he should have a traumatic event happen to him.  Some kind of terminal illness or the tragic death of a close family member.  This should then cause him to announce his retirement (finally) because of (insert heart-wrenching and completely sympathetic occurrence here).  This avoids the embarrassing retirement that should have happened years earlier.

Next, he lays low for a few years, occasionally popping up saying things like “I’m enjoying my life with my beautiful family.”  Maybe some random charity appearances, but mostly out of the spotlight.

When the time is right, maybe in his early fifties, the anti-steroid crusade begins.  PSAs, speaking engagements, maybe even the Barry Bonds Steroid Awareness Organization.  The only thing more American than cheating at baseball is coming out against something bad that you did that gave you the status and power required to start the organization in the first place.

Finally, after being on the anti-steroid campaign for awhile, it’s time for the public breakdown facilitated by a tell-all book set to come out conveniently around the same time.  Maybe something like “The Barry-ed Truth: How One Man Overcame All Odds to Hold in his Secret for America.”

The process comes full circle and Barry gets one last paycheck.  If it worked for Pete Rose, I’m sure Barry can pull it off with flying colors.  Red, white, and blue to be exact.