Monthly Archives: November 2011

The Hurt Feelings Report

You probably didn’t see this anywhere, but a long-tenured football coach – someone considered a “legend” by many – was forced out of his position last week because of some very poor decision making.

That’s right…our fears have all come true…Pat Lynch has resigned. I’ll give you all a minute to collect yourselves.

For those of you not in my key demographic – fans of Wyoming high school football – let me introduce you to Mr. Lynch.

Pat Lynch

This is the face of America.

Pat Lynch has been the head coach of Buffalo High School (aptly nicknamed “The Bison”)  since 1998. His 14-year tenure has included 12 playoff appearances and back-to-back 4A state titles in 2004 and 2005. (note: If you are like me and wondering how Wyoming has 4A high school football – the 1A and 2A division are allowed to use cattle as linemen to fill out rosters.  3A and 4A have rules that state all players must be actual people).

Obviously Pat Lynch has been successful. So why was he forced to resign from his head coaching duties last week by the notoriously conservative Johnson County School Board? Apparently the JCSB does not appreciate the coach soliciting feedback from his players in order to better provide the optimal learning environment that is so critical to young men playing high school football.

Coach Lynch was growing frustrated with his offensive players complaining and started questioning their lack of toughness, so he did what any great football coach would do – he came up with a way to fix the problem. He gave them a survey.

Some may question whether surveying a high school football team is an effective strategy for a coach. Others may say that is a time-tested method to make everyone involved feel like their voices are heard and their opinions matter. Here is Coach Lynch’s “Hurt Feelings Report,” I’ll let you be the judge:

Now I usually allow the stories to speak for themselves and rarely lend my own opinion to things like this. With that being said, I find this survey to be extremely comprehensive. The animation is fantastic, the layout is easily understandable – you aren’t getting lost on this page – and it covers who, what, when, where, why, and how. What more could you possibly ask for? The attention to detail is a testament to Coach Lynch’s back-to-back state titles.

It requires two signatures and the signature of a supervisor – all proper practice according to Johnson County Schoolboard Bylaws. The only real issue I had with it was some grammatical errors (“woman like hormones” should be hyphenated, and I believe “blanky” is appropriately spelled with an -ie and not a -y). Other than that, I felt like this was well-thought out.

Sure, some people have nit-picked and interpreted some things on the HFR as “offensive.” These Occupy Wall Street, granola-eating liberal elites in rural Wyoming may need a survey of their own in my opinion. Their problems with the HFR are a little ridiculous.

Is asking high school children if “they need a tissue for their tears” inappropriate? No. Is suggesting any of these children are “a pussy,” “a little bitch,” or “a cry baby” inaccurate? Maybe not.  Is calling high school kids homosexual slurs like “queers” or suggesting that “their butt is easily hurt” not accepted in mainstream society? Um, no have you not seen Glee?

I think the concern that Coach Lynch shows on the survey is commendable. Asking the questions that aren’t being asked, like “do you have woman like hormones?” prove the depth of Lynch’s caring for the children and medical knowledge. Male Testosterone Deficiency (MTD) is a serious problem among today’s youth and Estrogen Replacement Treatment (ERT) is a dangerous procedure that some of these kids need to talk about at a young age so they don’t end up like Chaz Bono.

Of course Coach Lynch’s idea for more parental involvement cannot be negatively portrayed.  Asking if players “want their mommy” or making it known for those players who may have tragically lost their mothers that he is there to provide them with comfort from himself or someone else shows me great compassion.  If he did have any players who had tragically lost their mother, I’m sure they were thankful to be reminded of such a traumatic experience on a piece of paper handed to them by their football coach.

Lynch provides ample opportunity for accountability; asking players to name anyone that may have failed to give them the proper inspiration that they needed. The man runs a tight ship and insubordination cannot be tolerated. He also makes a material gesture in offering to give them hygiene products, medicine, and bedding for those who may be too poor to afford any of that – presumably those who may have lost their mothers and have no one to provide for them now.

Now even though the JCSB acted like a bunch of cry-baby pussies who want their mommy and forced Lynch to resign, they clearly still know talent and compassion when they see it, and allowed Lynch to retain his role as high school guidance counselor – a position widely known to be a well-respected and desirable occupation for young men everywhere.

Rumor is that Coach Lynch will be lured away from his lucrative guidance counselor position to take a job with Zagat. They have offered a record-salary to Lynch, citing his natural survey-writing acumen to be “some of the best raw talent we’ve seen in years.” The US Government has also been in touch with Lynch to potentially run the Department of Commerce which is responsible for the US Census, but after his experience with the bureaucracy of the Johnson County School Board, it is unlikely he takes a government gig. As far as critical acclaim, “Inside the Actor’s Studio” host James Lipton is on record as saying “the genius in this survey is reminiscent of Bernard Pivot.”

Obviously Lynch will land on his feet, so all you Penn State undergrads out there can put down the pitchforks and stop the march on Buffalo High School. I encourage all of you to use the HFR and suggest it to your supervisors at work – or if you are in a position of power, modify it and give it to your employees or students in order to get the best feedback possible to better do your job.

For those of you who want more on the subject matter, I implore you to pick up this fantastic read.

(Credit to finding this outstanding gem of a story goes to my dear friend and director of expansionary efforts Daniel Stockton)