Monthly Archives: April 2011

Possibly the Best Soccer Goal Ever

I’ve been trying to do this in FIFA for about four years now and Dejan Stankovic just shows me up in real life.  Every time I try to sneak one in from midfield on someone that came too far out, the ball casually floats to the keeper  like Chad Pennington threw it.  Dejan just pures the B button and perfectly volleys the ball out of mid-air after whoever was controlling the FC Schalke goalie made the smart move and held down Y to bring him out for the clear.  The shot goes 5o yards on a god damn rope that only rises a couple feet higher than the cross bar the entire time.  The ball goes in the back of the net while the keeper has the same look on his face as Jesse did when the whale jumps over him at the end of Free Willy.

The fact that he even attempted this shot made me wonder who this jamoch is.   Turns out he was also the 2009 FIFA Beach World Cup MVP winning both the Golden Ball and the Golden Shoe.  Before you ask how he won both the Golden Ball and the Golden Shoe, or what either of those are, the answer is yes…there is a FIFA Beach World Cup and it is awesome.  It may or may not be the most underrated event to go to and watch drunk.  The Stank scored 16 goals in 6 games, including the following, which may have been better if you throw out the fact that they are actually playing soccer on a beach:


Hey Chad Pennington, Relax with the Comeback Player of the Year Bullshit – Hard-luck quarterback Chad Pennington tore an anterior cruciate ligament in a pickup basketball game and will undergo surgery next week. Pennington’s agent, Tom Condon, said in a news release Thursday that Pennington will have the operation April 7 and well-known surgeon Dr. James Andrews will perform it. The release did not say which knee Pennington injured. The former Jets and Dolphins quarterback is now a free agent. The 34-year-old Pennington twice has been selected the NFL Comeback Player of the Year, but he lasted just two plays last season with the Dolphins before hurting his right shoulder again. He had surgery on it for the fourth time, but said he wants to try to return to the NFL this season.

If I’m James Chadwick Pennington, I’m not buttering my own toast let alone playing pick-up basketball (and by “buttering my own toast” I mean literally buttering his toast and also masturbating). Especially considering his history, and the fact that “playing pick up basketball” is at the top of the list of “poor off-season decisions for athletes” along with being on a sex boat, trying to kill farm workers with a machete, wearing sweatpants while carrying your gun in a New York Club, running an underground dog-fighting ring, hiring someone to kill your wife, riding in a limo with Ray Lewis’ limo driver, using a cell phone to facilitate a drug deal, “training” with Baron Davis, or anything involving a motorcycle.

Greinke goes down like two weeks before this from playing ball, and the anti-gunslinger has no reservations about going out there and potentially ending his career. This is the same Chad Pennington who is throwing rainbows and sunshine passes every Sunday and was a finalist for the Rhodes Scholarship while at Marshall, but decides to go rogue and play pick-up basketball when he isn’t even signed yet this year? Dangerous and not smart. I’m not buying it.

Pennington is clearly setting up shop to make a run at Comeback Player of the Year in 2012. He’s already the only player in history to win the award twice (2006 and 2008), and has really nothing else going for him. Why not take a dive in a pick-up game, relax for the entire year and ramp up for 2012? This way you have nothing to lose. Either you kill it and make it number three – pretty much locking that record up for the history of the NFL, or you fail miserably and everyone feels bad for you because you got hurt. Shit is genius.

Either way, he needs to come back and play a little more, and hopefully play poorly. James Chadwick currently has the All-Time NFL record for Completion Percentage at 66.0%. I looked through some NFL records, and I can’t find more of a joke than this. The only thing that comes close is “Most Consecutive Completions in a Game,” which is 24 by Donovan McNabb. How he went 24 passes without throwing a check down 90 miles-an-hour at someone’s feet or skipping a comeback route five yards in front of his receiver is beyond me. Pennington has never made a Pro-Bowl yet he holds the All-Time Completion Percentage record. Other records Pennington holds: “Only Quarterback in NFL History to Have Never Thrown a Pass Longer than 25 Yards,” “Most Lob Passes in One Game (24),” and “Only NFL Player to Miss a Game With a Yeast Infection.”