Monthly Archives: April 2010

It’s Tebow’s boat, we’re all just sailing on it (and I want to jump off and drown myself)

He sure did have those Broncos hats pretty quickly...

Since I nailed the Tebow pick last night (I believe my words were “there is no way if effing hell Tim Tebow will go in the first round or to anyone other than the Jags), I figured I should address the situation today.

I looked at all the post-first-round draft analysis and I found myself very interested in this Tebow pick.  I can’t figure it out.  I wanted to see what the Broncos’ fans thought about it, so I figured I’d find some stuff and put it all in one place in case you guys were as interested as I was.  What I found is that it seems every single Broncos fan with a blog is already drinking the Kool-Aid.  Even the negative ones ended up with “I’m excited for him to prove me wrong.”  Broncos fans love it and mostly everyone else thinks it was stupid.  Seems like Tebow’s uber-polarization continues into the NFL.  Here’s some of what people are saying:

Woody Paige, of course, likes the pick and makes sure to go way over the top in describing how much:

The Denver Post might actually be as crazy as Josh McDaniels.  They have announced a Tim Tebow Haiku Contest.  I wish I could have made that up.  A haiku for those of you who don’t remember 5th grade English is a poem with three lines that goes 5 syllables – 7 – 5.  Here’s the link for you aspiring poets

My submission:

You got Tim Tebow

A haiku contest makes sense

Oh wait it doesn’t

Tim Lynch of Mile High Report goes with the “high character” angle:

Bronco blogger Sadaraine claims to be “Tebow’s Biggest Bronco Critic,” yet still ends up at least sipping on some Kool-Aid:  I’m sorry guys I don’t get it.  If Tebow was selected by the Seahawks, I would be finding babies to punch right now.  Either way, Sadaraine pointed out a classic Tebow quote from after the selection.  God I hate this kid:

“To be honest, I will wear whatever number they want me to wear. If that’s 15, I’ll wear 15. If that’s 95, I’ll wear 95. I don’t really care, just as long as I can wear a Denver Broncos jersey.

This Denver Post blog sums up the thoughts of analysts around the country:


The White Mamba Mock Draft 2010

Since no one really tries to predict how the draft will turn out, I figured I would take a stab at shaping up the first round how I think it will go.  A couple of disclaimers:  Tim Tebow is not an NFL quarterback.  He will fail.  He has to fail at something, and this is the time.  He will especially not be picked by the Steelers, as my blogging compadre Josh posits. Also, this is a draft where you should expect a lot of fireworks.  People are very polarized on many of these players, and with the late-night start, Drunk Jerry Jones is prone to have a couple more gin and tonics in him than previous drafts.  Don’t rule out the fact that war rooms will now be stocked with Scotch instead of Donuts when considering how many trades and crazy picks we see tonight.  I’m excited.  As you should be.  Now read the mock draft.

1. St. Louis Rams
Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma: Don’t think that the Rams will do anything other than take Bradford here.  They desperately need a franchise face underneath the ram’s horns.  It doesn’t matter if he works out or not they have to make this pick.
2. Detroit Lions
Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska: The Lions get the most immediate impact player in the draft.  Suh will come in right away and be effective.  There is no better player for a young team with no defensive identity.
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma:  McCoy should be the pick here but something tells me the Bucs might have other plans.  This is a spot that could prove to be a big surprise come tonight.  If the Bucs aren’t sold on McCoy, or they don’t want to pay him No. 3 money, watch for a trade down here.  I’m going to say McCoy, but I’m not 100% sold.
4. Washington Redskins
Trent Williams, OT, Oklahoma: Word is that the Redskins are sold that Williams has a higher ceiling than Okung.  I would disagree but I’m not Chainsaw Snyder.  Either way, after the Haynesworth debacle and the McNabb risk, it’s time to make the safe pick here.
5. Cleveland Browns (via trade with Kansas City)
Eric Berry, FS, Tennessee: Holmgren has been decisive so far, and Berry is the best available and fills a big hole.  I’m convinced there are two players The Walrus wants: Berry and Colt McCoy.  He gives up a 4th rounder to jump two spots, but with the Seahawks at six he doesn’t want to take the risk.  The Browns aren’t done in the first round either.
6. Seattle Seahawks
Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma State : Alex Gibbs is going to get a brand new toy to help his legendary offensive line schemes.  Okung falls here, and even though Pete Carroll wants to make a sexy splash, the staff he has built around him will make sure he knows this is the pick.  Walter Jones made Seattle relevant for years and Okung should do the same. Carroll will get to have his draft fun later.
7. Kansas City Chiefs (via trade with Cleveland Browns)
Rolando McClain, ILB, Alabama: Pioli loves trading down, and knows McClain, the guy they want and love, will still be there at 7.  No reason not to do this on the Chiefs part.  They don’t have to pay McClain as much and they pick up 4th rounder in the process.
8. Oakland Raiders
Dan Williams, DT, Tennessee : They can’t pick Dez Bryant after Heyward-Bey, right?  They can’t pick Jimmy Clausen after Jamarcus Russell, right?  Expect the unexpected from Al Davis, and expect it to most likely be a terrible pick.  Even when they went safe with Robert Gallery in 2004 it didn’t work.  If Big Ben is going anywhere, it’s here or Arizona (more on this later), so this could belong to the Steelers.  They go with Williams here when they probably should take Bulaga.
9. Buffalo Bills
Bryan Bulaga, OT, Iowa: They are not taking Clausen.  Even though it would make sense, this team is in no position to have a young quarterback, even if he doesn’t play.  Too many things that need to be addressed before they can draft the franchise QB.  They shouldn’t worry though because they may not win a game in their division this year and they will surely be drafting in the top five again next year.  They could have used Williams, but with him going to the Raiders they take a safe pick with Bulaga to sure up the o-line.
10. Philadelphia Eagles (via trade with Jacksonville Jaguars
Earl Thomas, CB, Texas: E-A-G-L-E-S Eagles!  The separation anxiety from the loss of Brian Dawkins causes the Eagles to panic and trade up to snag Thomas.  I think they are going to trade up, and this is the first possible spot.  They could also try the 12 slot with Miami or one of the 49ers two picks.  With the Dolphins and Seahawks needing a safety as well, though, the Eagles make sure they get their man.  They give up the 23rd pick in the second round to move up 14 spots.  They can do this because the Eagles stockpiled ten picks this year with the McNabb and Tapp trades.  They still have the fifth pick in the second round and sixth in the third.
11. Denver Broncos (from Chicago)
Sergio Kindle, OLB, Texas: They are not taking Dez Bryant!  They did not get rid of Brandon Marshall just to draft an unproven version of him.  Quick story on Dez Bryant: he forgot to bring shoes to his pro day, so he performed the first half of his workout in bare feet.  I’m going to repeat this sentence one more time just so we are all on the same page here: HE FORGOT HIS SHOES ON HIS OWN PRO DAY.  He might be an incredible talent, but if I’m a GM I’m not touching him until at least the 20s.  They take Kindle too high, but he can play rush linebacker and support/succeed Elvis Dumervil.
12. Miami Dolphins
Derrick Morgan, DE, Georgia Tech : They could have taken Williams if he was still available.  They could trade down and try to get back the second round pick they lost for Marshall.  However, I think they go with Morgan.  Another overrated pass-rusher because of a weak class, but he is the best of the mediocre bunch.  He will fit their 3-4 scheme nicely and should be able to contribute this year.
13. San Francisco 49ers
Joe Haden, CB, Florida: The Niners have two goals with these two picks: Offensive Tackle and Cornerback.  Don’t be fooled into thinking this is a QB or Spiller.  They are fatally dedicated to Alex Smith and with Gore and Coffee and now Ted Ginn, Spiller would make no sense.  With three tackles off the board I say they grab Haden and wait to draft their tackle at 17.
14. Seattle Seahawks (from Denver)
C.J. Spiller, RB, Clemson: It was risky that he lasted this long, but he really doesn’t make sense anywhere once you get past Cleveland.  The Seahawks patience pays off and they get there man.  Trust me, Carrol wants the Bugatti of the 2010 draft class and he will get him.  Spiller is not Chris Johnson, but he very well could end up taking over the playmaking duties on a squad with zero explosion.  Okung and Spiller is the ideal scenario for Seahawks fans (trust me I would know).  Next best case would be Berry and Bulaga if they miss out on Williams or Okung at No. 6.
15. NY Giants
Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, South Florida: If there is anyone who loves athletic rush ends it’s the Giants.  I think JP2 could be sufficiently awkward and unnecessary in a Subway commercial, which is the only requirement for Giants’ defensive linemen.
16. Tennessee Titans
Brandon Graham, OLB, Michigan : A bit of a jump here, but Graham can play standing up or from the three-point stance and would fit well with the Titans.  If Haden is here, they could pick him, or if they like Kareem Jackson of Alabama more, but I think they go pass-rusher here.
17. San Francisco 49ers (from Carolina)
Anthony Davis, OT, Rutgers : The Niners’ draft goes just as planned, and they would be happy with any of the next two or three tackles here at 17.  Good value for a talented player who can contribute right away.  Unfortunately he still has to block for Alex Smith, who will once again cause the Niners to win less than ten games.
18. Pittsburgh Steelers
Maurkice Pouncey, C, Florida : This is one of the easier picks in the draft.  The Rooneys don’t like cheerleaders or fireworks or drama, and they miss Dermonti Dawson.  If Big Ben doesn’t move, Pouncey is the obvious pick here.  They get the best center in the draft, and they get him at good value at 18, too.  Teams seam to shun away from picking centers early, but this guy is a guaranteed ten-year starter on your team and would be a good pick anywhere outside the top five.
19. Atlanta Falcons
Mike Iupati, OG, Idaho: Matty Ice is priority numero uno in the ATL.  Protecting him is the most important thing and the Falcons won’t mess around here, even though the Jamaal Anderson pick needs to be remedied.
20. Houston Texans
Kareem Jackson, CB, Alabama : You just can’t give up on Slaton yet.  If the Texans think he is a lost cause, Ryan Mathews could be the pick here, but the Texans have more needs.  There is also six foot four inch guy with a laser-rocket arm on the Colts that effects all decisions in the AFC South.  You can never have too many cornerbacks.
21. Cincinnati Bengals
Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma State: Why the hell not?  Cincinatti is where background checks go to die.  Bryant, who once again forgot his shoes on pro day, fits in absolutely perfectly with the Bungals.  They do need another big play guy to either go along with Ocho or completely replace him, depending on which Ocho shows up this year.  I’ll be interested to see if Bryant can get five touchdowns or misdemeanors first.
22. New England Patriots
Jermaine Gresham, TE, Oklahoma: In my opinion, the perfect pick for the Belicheck.  I can just see him in a Pats jersey for some reason.  Brady gets another big weapon and red-zone target, and old-school Pats fans get perhaps the second coming of Ben Coates.  Gresham will be a factor this year, and should blossom in New England.
23. Green Bay Packers
Charles Brown, OT, Southern California: GM Ted Thompson loves to build through the lines and hasn’t been able to do so in a while.  The Packers have expended a lot of picks on defense the last couple years and will now address the aging o-line.  Like in Atlanta with Matty Ice, Aaron Rodgers is the Packers biggest investment and protecting him is key.
24. Jacksonville Jaguars (via trade with Philadelphia Eagles)
Tim T….Jerry Hughes, OLB, TCU: Tim Tebow is not going in the first round!  As god as my witness…check that, that’s an biased witness…as the intelligence of NFL scouts as my witness, Tebow does not go in the first round.  Sorry I’m not sorry.  Drunk Jerry Jones was right, Tebow is not going to see the field, so why pick him?  If you remember from the trade I made up with the Eagles, the Jags got the 23rd pick in the second round and they will either trade up from there or stay there and get Tebow in the second round.  Tebow WILL be a Jaguar.  Write that down.
25. Baltimore Ravens
Demaryius Thomas, WR, Georgia Tech: The Ravens are in “surround Flacco mode” and they continue to do so by adding Thomas here.  Don’t think the addition of Boldin will shy the Ravens away from taking a wide out here.  Taylor Mays could also be an option, but I think the Ravens are officially shifting to an offensive team.
26. Arizona Cardinals
Sean Weatherspoon, OLB, Missouri : An athletic guy that some think could go a lot higher than this if a team falls in love.  The Cardinals could use help at wide receiver, and if Thomas is still on the board, or Bryant somehow, that could be the pick.  Possible scenario:  I see Arizona as a logical destination for Big Ben.  Whisenhunt knows and loves Ben, and the two have had success together.  Matt Leinart and Derek Anderson are both backups at best, and bringing in Big Ben would immediately make the Cardinals a threat again.  Ben to Fitz = dangerous.  They could give up this pick and a first rounder next year to make this happen.  Keep an eye on this situation.  It’s either Oakland, Arizona, or nowhere for Big Ben.
27. Dallas Cowboys
Taylor Mays, FS, Southern California : Drunk Jerry Jones wants a big-hitting safety to put up on his 1 billion foot jumbotron.  The smart pick here is a tackle, but the sexy pick is Mays.  The Drunk Jerry Jones pick is Mays.  Wade Phillips is at some buffet in Cabo right now and won’t be allowed back in the United States until after the draft.  Drunk Jerry Jones won’t allow it.  Drunk Jerry Jones.
28. San Diego Chargers
Terrence Cody, DT, Alabama: An absolute monster in college and should be the same in the pros.  Replaces Jamaal Williams and gives the Chargers a key piece on defense.  Nothing much to add here so I will take an unprovoked shot at Phillip Rivers.  Dear Phil, I hate you.  You are annoying and I’m not sure how you are so good.  I am extremely glad you continue to not win anything and I hope that continues throughout your career.
29. NY Jets
Everson Griffen, DE, Southern California : Apparently he has “questionable character,” but I don’t even know what that means for a college kid coming out of USC.  If you don’t have questionable character as a football player in Southern California with no rules then I’m not sure I want to draft you.  If there was a linebacker from USC that had “unquestionable character” I would be worried.
30. Minnesota Vikings
Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame: I hate to say it, but really good pick here.  Favre comes back for one more year, tutors the kid (who is way ahead of Favre in arrogance at his age), and the Vikes have their next guy.  Another slap in the face to Tarvaris Jackson.
31. Indianapolis Colts
Tyson Alualu, DE, California: The Freeney injury was too scary to deal with Super Bowl week.  Alualu will probably play defensive tackle, but he will help somewhere on the line and the Colts could use the help.  For some reason I could see a Golden Tate pick here, but it may be a little too early.
32. Cleveland Browns (via trade with the New Orleans Saints)
Colt McCoy, QB, Texas: The Browns are in love with Colt McCoy.  They want to take him out to a nice seafood dinner and actually call him again.  The most proactive team in the draft this year, they take the initiative once again and trade up eight spots to make sure they get McCoy.  Berry and McCoy sounds like a nice first round to me.  In the trade, the Saints get the Browns second round pick (38) and the teams swap third rounders, essentially giving the Super Bowl champs three second round picks.

No me gusta, Lorena

Porque Lorena?

Women’s golf.  Get excited because that’s what we are talking about today.

Lorena Ochoa announced her retirement from women’s professional golf yesterday.  Ochoa is currently the No. 1 ranked player in the world.  She has won Rolex LPGA Player of Year four straight years and has amassed a total of $14.2 million over her career.

I’m not exactly thinking Mike Jeffrey Jordan when I think of this abrupt retirement, unless LPGA Commisioner Michael Whan is secretly suspending Ochoa for her excessive gambling, but this is an athlete at the top of her sport.   (And no, I did not know who the LPGA Commish was or if they even had one, I had to look it up.)

This is somewhat reminiscent and just as unexpected as when Justine Henin-Hardenne retired from tennis in 2008 at the age of 25.  She was also No. 1 in the world in her sport at the time.

It lasted 15 months when Henin came back – sans Hardenne – in January 2010.  What did she do in her brief “retirement?” Focused on her charity and her tennis schools.

So why would the world’s No. 1 quit her sport at the age of 28? Well you’ll find out in a press conference on Friday in Mexico City (as long as you have SAP that is).

I’m all about speculation and gambling.  So I’m throwing some odds on what may have caused Ms. Ochoa to hang up the spikes.  Bets will be accepted all week.

1-3 She wants to spend more time with her husband/wants to start a family.  (Booooring).
1-1 She is currently pregnant. (Mildy entertaining – this is what my money is on).
3-2 She wants to focus on her charities and golf schools.
10-1 Her husband, Aeromexico CEO Andres Conesa, is getting tired of making his own tortillas and vacuuming the villa.  Ditch the sticks for a broom Lorena.
25-1 She had sex with Tiger Woods.  At this point, 25-1 on any woman is a steal when Tiger’s involved.
150-1 She is going to play in the WNBA.  I’m not sure if she’s ever played basketball, but she is athletic and looks coordinated so could probably average 15 a game…which would probably win her the scoring title.
1000-1 Lorena Ochoa is actually Lorenzo Ochoa.  He can’t take the lying anymore and tells the world he has been pretending to be a woman this whole time.  This is my sleeper longshot pick.  I mean, he/she is from Mexico, no one ever heard of he/she until he/she came on the LPGA, and he/she has absolutely set the LPGA on fire the last five years.  Don’t act like you didn’t just hesitate for a minute and like this idea.

I’m going to throw ten bucks on the Lorenzo theory and cross my fingers.

When looking at the situation from a LPGA fan’s standpoint (and by LPGA fan I mean all the husbands and life-partners of LPGA players, Michelle Wie’s dad, Rosie O’Donnell, China and Japan for some reason, and Vijay Singh), this is a terrible blow to your tour.  You just lost your sport’s dominant player at only 28 years old.

It’s very tough to gain momentum as a female sports league when your top players continually focus on things other than that sport.  In tennis, you have the Williams’ sisters seemingly showing up when they want to and winning whenever they don’t have a commercial to shoot or a fashion line to debut.  In the WNBA, women continually leave to have children and Jamal Jeffries gets kicked out of the NBA and poses as a women in order to play in the league.  In golf, you have Michelle Wie wanting to play on the men’s tour, Natalie Gulbis wanting to do Maxim shoots, and now Ochoa wanting to do something other than play golf.

It seems like women’s curling is the only sport that can survive the purging of it’s big stars for external reasons.  This is probably because you can play drunk shuffleboard at a bar for two weeks and walk on to an Olympic curling team.

Until Michelle Wie turns out to be what she is expected to be – if she ever does – the LPGA is now a little more irrelevant than it was before.  It’s a shame because Lorenzo has every right to live his/her life the way he/she wants to, but the sport will suffer because of it.

Here’s to You, Barry

Barry, you truly are an American hero.

In attempt to break the world record for “Most Ironic Statement Ever Made,” Barry Lamar Bonds said in an interview yesterday that he was “proud” of Mark McGwire for what he did – admitting to the use of steroids.

Well you know what Barry…I’m proud of you.

In the current sports world, especially your sport of baseball, we are constantly surrounded by shame and remorse.  Between steroids in baseball, gambling referees, Tiger Woods, and the fact that the WNBA still exists, we as sports fans are forced to be disgusted as much as we are amazed.

Through the darkness shines one bright light – you, Barry Bonds.  Despite the mountains of evidence, the hoards of naysayers, and the fact that we have pictures of you in 1988 and 2006 that we can put next to each other, you have remained steadfast and strong.

Like a true American, you have not only continued to lie to everyone, but you have consistently come up with ways to provoke your adversaries.  You’re “proud” of Mark McGwire?  Not in my wildest dreams did I think you would say something so egregious.

I find myself wondering if your head inflated from the HGH or from the massive growth of your ego over the last ten years.

Over-sized ego, an unrealistic sense of self, and the refusal to give up despite having no hope or way out – all traits of the American hero.  If you had wrangler jeans on we might even confuse you for Brett Lorenzo Favre.

So what was McGwire’s response? “It’s very cool. Barry is a great player, was a great player in this game, many MVPs.” Taking into account that he sounded like a caveman or a drunk indian chief, I was impressed that McGwire could even speak on the issue without ripping his clothes off and eating everyone’s head in the Cardinals’ locker room.

Barry has once again outsmarted us all.  He just made the second biggest steroid user in MLB history praise the number one user and completely disregard any chance that he ever used steroids.

Like any true American hero, the future for Barry should play out like this:

First, he should have a traumatic event happen to him.  Some kind of terminal illness or the tragic death of a close family member.  This should then cause him to announce his retirement (finally) because of (insert heart-wrenching and completely sympathetic occurrence here).  This avoids the embarrassing retirement that should have happened years earlier.

Next, he lays low for a few years, occasionally popping up saying things like “I’m enjoying my life with my beautiful family.”  Maybe some random charity appearances, but mostly out of the spotlight.

When the time is right, maybe in his early fifties, the anti-steroid crusade begins.  PSAs, speaking engagements, maybe even the Barry Bonds Steroid Awareness Organization.  The only thing more American than cheating at baseball is coming out against something bad that you did that gave you the status and power required to start the organization in the first place.

Finally, after being on the anti-steroid campaign for awhile, it’s time for the public breakdown facilitated by a tell-all book set to come out conveniently around the same time.  Maybe something like “The Barry-ed Truth: How One Man Overcame All Odds to Hold in his Secret for America.”

The process comes full circle and Barry gets one last paycheck.  If it worked for Pete Rose, I’m sure Barry can pull it off with flying colors.  Red, white, and blue to be exact.

Rick Reilly on Tiger

I usually can’t get through a lot of Rick Reilly’s stuff because he insists on being incredibly cheezy, but when he gets it right, he still is one of the best.  This is a great column that kind of sums up a lot of people’s doubts about how the new Tiger can be successful.  Good, quick read.  Enjoy:

Oh Canada

Myself and MTrible of Sportsmanlike Misconduct were forced to watch the Canadian feed of the Flyers – Maple Leafs game online last night.  Luckily it led us to find this gem:

And I quote…”We have more square feet of awesomeness per person than any other nation on earth.”  Canada never ceases to provide us with entertainment, eh?

The Real Tiger Woods Press Conference

What Tiger really said wasn't what he was really thinking.

Watching the Tiger press conference at Augusta yesterday, I couldn’t help but yell answers to his questions before he got a chance to.  So I figured I’d dive inside Tiger’s head and see what he was really thinking when the media asked him all those questions.  Here are the real questions asked and the answers Tiger would have, or should have given.

Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of The Masters, I am pleased to introduce to you four-time Masters champion, Mr. Tiger Woods:

“Well it was really great to get back out there today.  Being out in public and seeing all the fans was really nice; especially because Elin can’t do anything to me while I’m around so many people.  It was good to see all the guys again, too.  Most of them never liked me personally anyway, so it’s fun having awkward conversations with them while in their head they’re wondering whether or not I had sex with their wives (sorry David Toms she is way too hot for you anyway let’s be honest).  It was also really good seeing mi hombre Sergio.  It’s been almost eight months since the orgy in San Juan.  That Spanish bastard really helped me work on my game.  He really is the best wingman ever.  The accent absolutely kills.

Anyway, after I answer these questions today, I want you all to leave the other players alone and not ask them questions about me.  I want to apologize to them for beating all of their asses the last five years, while I also had the hottest wife on tour and was running through girls on the side Wilt Chamberlain style.  I can’t imagine the jealousy and anger they must feel.   I would appreciate it if you let them focus on this week’s tournament.  Okay boys, fire away.”

Q: Tiger, You said in some recent TV interviews that everything was in the police report, but the police report didn’t contain what it was about the injuries that sent you to the hospital.  Can you tell us what they were?

“Well when Elin hit me with the driver I sustained a mild concussion.  When she got the three iron it cracked four of my teeth and knocked the front two out.  The nine iron to the crotch after I crashed the Escalade and got out was the worst, which is why I was blacked out from the pain on the street.”

Q:  In the five weeks since the accident, when you went into therapy, why didn’t you speak to the police, any of your corporate sponsors, any of the media that have covered you year round?

“Well, my lawyers told me if you guys asked me that to just keep muttering nonsense and then saying ‘letter of the law’ a bunch of times, but to be honest with you I didn’t talk to anyone because Elin took my cell phone.  You think after some of the texts she saw she’d let me keep that thing?  Some of those were bad; I don’t even know where I came up with that stuff.  Anyway, me and the boys went out on my yacht and cruised around the Caymans for a while, so I wouldn’t have gotten any bars with AT&T out there even if I had a phone.  The women there are beautiful and relatively cheap by the way.”

Q: What’s been the most difficult thing for you to deal with these last couple months?

“Clearly it’s not having sex with anyone.  I mean, I was having a lot of sex.  I was like Peter North for Christ sake.  A close second would be the homicidal wife who is a mix between Lorena Bobbitt and Ashley Judd in Double Jeopardy at this point.  Let’s just say I don’t get much sleep.”

Q: Tiger, you won a lot of golf tournaments over the last five years living a pretty secret life.  How were you able to do that?  And secondly, what kind of golfer will you be now without that secret?

“Yeah that was a good run, wasn’t it?  I thought that’d never end.  Good times.  Anyway, I think it was mostly that people just assumed things weren’t happening.  People would see me at a club doing yay off one of the Kardashians and they’d say “Man that black guy doing all the drugs looks just like Tiger Woods.”  I never really hid it; people just assumed it wasn’t me.  And to answer your second question, I’m probably going to suck because I’m on so many sexual repression drugs.  I’m actually on a drug called Antiviagra.  That’s a real thing.  I haven’t had a boner in months.”

Q: Tiger, you’ve been known as a great proponent of drug testing on the PGA tour.  As you probably know, Dr. Anthony Galia was arrested with performance enhancing drugs in his possession.  As you also know, Dr. Galia said he has been to your home four times.  Why did you feel it was necessary to have this particular doctor come to your home and what specifically did he do for you?

Definitely straight. No question.

“Ga-leeee-aaa! That’s my dawg right there.  That dude has some of the craziest shit…I can’t even remember half the stuff he gave me.  He did fix my knee up pretty good.  With Tony G there is really a don’t ask-don’t tell kind of thing going on, so even if I did take some PEDs I’d have no idea.  Let’s be honest though guys this is golf.  Besides Camillo, the whole tour is just fat guys or skinny guys.  Steroids won’t help you in golf.  (By the way, Camillo is gay.  Like really gay.  Like Nathan Lane wearing a Zac Efron tee-shirt as a guest on Ellen gay.)  Plus, you think I would take something that shrinks your balls?  Did you not read US Weekly?  All I was doing was having gratuitous amounts of crazy sex.  I was like R. Kelly at a middle school.  Steroids would have been the opposite of performance enhancing if you know what I mean.”

Q: What were you anticipating today to be like?  How nervous were you today and now sitting here?

“I figured mostly everyone would be pussies.  There were probably a few brave fans who came here planning on yelling something funny, but once they got a glimpse of the big cat over here they were too scared to say anything.  That’s mostly what happened.  I mean, some of these people cheered for me today!  I lied to everyone and committed egregious adultery for five years while almost ruining the sport of golf and they were still cheering for me.  Colin Montgomerie must feel like shit right now.”

Q: Tiger, you and the rest of us discovered a lot of media we didn’t know existed before the accident.  What’s your response to mainstream media?

“My response is that you guys did a terrible job.  Who were the first people on the scene of the crash?  TMZ?  Does anyone know what that even stands for?  You guys couldn’t find me for like two months but the people who follow Lindsey Lohan to Starbucks every morning got me.  Nice work CNN.”

Q: It’s been reported that you took prescription drugs Ambien and Vicatin.  Can you speak to when you started taking those, if you need them for tournament golf if you did, and what you needed them for and if you’ve ever been treated for them.

“Yeah I used to take both when I was recovering from my injury and when I needed to sleep.  But like I said before, I live with Tanya Harding now so I don’t exactly want to take a pill that will make me unconscious for long periods of time.”

Q: Tiger, how is your knee?

“Haha, my knee?  It’s fine, who cares?  Way to waste a question douchebag.  I hope your editor doesn’t fire you.”

Q: Tiger you had said you were in some form of a rehab.  Can you talk about that and what the rehab was for?

“Yeah Elin made me go to this sex rehab thing.  She said if I ever wanted to get back with her I’d have to do it.  It was a nice place.  They had pictures of all the athletes that had been through there before like Travis Henry, Shawn Kemp, and Calvin Murphy.  It’s like the Cooperstown of fathering illegitimate children.”

Q: What was it for?

“I just said; it was so I could have a chance of getting back with my wife.  If that happens, then I get the sympathy back and then the female fans.  Then I change my number, get the sponsors back, and eventually I’m back to making all that cash.  Kobe explained this whole thing to me you should talk to him.”

Q: Tiger, you said in your statement that you felt entitled throughout the years.  How were able to rationalize that while you were still winning golf tournaments?

“Because I was still WINNING GOLF TOURNAMENTS.  I was living like Hunter S. Thompson and still wiping the floor with everyone on Sundays.  What would any other man have done?  I bet if Jim Furyk didn’t look like the crippled dude from X-Men he would be running around with pornstars every night too.”

Q: Could you of played better if you had more discipline in your personal life?

“I honestly don’t know.  Maybe my lifestyle fueled my ability to perform on the course.  Maybe the invincibility gave me this uber-confidence that no athlete besides Jordan has ever reached before.  Maybe I could have eliminated the guilt and become a more centered, focused performer.  But maybe that would have leaked a weakness into my game that effected my ability to win.  I really don’t think it’s possible to know.”

Q: Tiger when you made that statement in February, you said you might not be back this whole year.  Did you genuinely believe that at the time?  And coming back, is that entirely your decision, do you do that with the blessing of your family and your wife?

“Yeah definitely not, I was playing The Masters the morning after the crash when I was trying to figure out the shit-storm that was about to hit.  Elin is cool with me playing.  It gets me away from her and the more money I win the more she will get if she divorces me.  It’s a win-win for her.”

Q: Will Elin and the kids be joining you this week at the Masters?  And it not, is that a sign that she’s not ready to support you yet and you should you be making this return so soon?

“Haha yeah, Elin’s not coming.  Let’s be real here.”

God life was sweet.

Q: Tiger, we’ve come to know you as a guy who controls things around you pretty tightly.  With all the reports that have come out, whether it be text messages or whatever, it leads me to wonder why you would leave so many loose ends, and is there almost some element of you that maybe wanted to get caught?

“Pretty sure I didn’t want to get caught.  I had sex with whoever I wanted, whenever I wanted to, and then went out and got paid a lot of money to beat a bunch of fat white guys playing golf on the weekends.  If that’s not the American Dream, I’m not sure what is.  I had sex with Oprah.  O-P-R-A-H.  You bitches didn’t find that one out, but it happened.  Dr. Phil worked the camera and shouted out suggestions.  Have any of you ever had sex with the richest black woman on earth?

Alright listen guys this is getting a little boring here.  None of you are going to ask me anything good except Plaschke with the ‘What was the rehab for?’ one.  That was ballsy.  I always thought you were a pussy on Around the Horn too.  I’m meeting Sergio at The 19th Hole and who knows what that’s going to turn into.  You guys all have a good week, I’ll see you on Sunday when I throw that green jacket on again.  Fo shizzle.”